Tonight I attended the first part of the orientation process for seminary. There were two parts of the evening that were very lovely. The rest was a little overwhelming. I’ll start with the good stuff.
We began with a song. A lovely hymn that so many know and love – “Blessed Assurance.” The great part was that everyone sang. And sang loudly. So many times during Sunday morning worship, it seems like the only people singing are those leading the music. Sometimes there are individuals that can be heard and sometimes the congregation is audible, but not at the volume level one would expect for the number of people present. Tonight, it seemed as if 45 people sounded like 100. It was a lovely, joyful sound. It made me smile from deep within.
The second great part was the dinner meal. It was good food (extra good because I didn’t have to cook it), but the food was not the great part. I had good conversation. The best part of the conversation was learning that one of the faculty members I will have, grew up in my former state of residence and even has friends in the small county I lived in!! That is no coincidence. That is one small way that God continues to confirm for me that I am correctly taking this step of obedience.
You see, as the first day of seminary has loomed closer and closer, fear and anxiety and uncertainty and doubt are creeping in. I’m wondering if I discerned the prompting of the Holy Spirit correctly. I’m wondering if I’ve made a wise decision. I’m anxious about how I’m going to pay for this venture. I’m anxious about how life balance will work out. I’m doubting and second guessing and… basically I’m letting Satan get the best of me.
As the evening continued, I felt overwhelmed. Then I left and a situation I thought was taken care of fell through and I continue to wonder how this mommy/student/wife/self life balance thing is going to work. What happens when the kids get sick? What happens when the babysitter gets sick? What happens when schedules collide? What happens when I put wife and mommy duties first (as I think I’m supposed to) and my student responsibilities don’t get done? What if…
It all sounds crazy doesn’t it? So tonight, as I set my alarm to get up early so that I can have everything for the babysitter ready when she comes at 7:45am so that I can go finish “orientating,” I will lay my head on the pillow and give all those “what ifs” to God. Because I don’t know the answers. I can’t handle the madness of it all. But He can. I will remember that it is in my weaknesses that His strength is shown.
I will be still and know.