Today I had an experience that I’ve never had before. I had a psychological exam. That’s right, an interview and 2 written tests to create a psychological profile. It’ll be a few weeks before I know if I’m crazy or not… So why did I have this exam? It’s just one step on the road to being a Licensed Local Pastor. You see, I’m in the process of mentoring, exploring and studying what God’s call is on my life. I’m not totally sure where that will lead, but I’m beginning, slowly and in small pictures, to see where God could be taking me. I feel stirrings in my heart. I feel confirmation at different times in my soul. I feel restless at the possibilities. I’m excited and scared and nervous and in awe all at the same time. Why is God choosing me?
I sat for two hours with a pleasant woman named Leslie. While I know very little about her and her life, I wonder if we have a lot in common. I’d not met her before today, but I felt as if we could be good friends. So for 2 hours, she got to hear about my family, my extended family, my marriage, my divorce, my high school experience, my friendships, and my obsessive need to organize my life (well, mostly only when it feels totally out of control!). She learned that I was sexually harassed in high school (now the secret’s out), that I have a fear of becoming an alcoholic (thus why I no longer drink any type of “adult beverage”), and that I think I have a snarky sense of humor. After our conversation was done – well at lease our “time was up for today” – I took 2 written exams. The first that I completed was a true/false type of test. I really dislike that type of test. In fact my response was “I HATE that type of test!” Looking back, that was a little dramatic on my part. What I dislike so much about them though, is that I am forced to fit into a category. Me who likes to put things into neat little boxes does not like to be forced into one direction or the other. I like to have the opportunity to explain myself… Thus the reason that I like the second “complete the sentence” test so much better. I like the freedom to be creative, funny, reflective, odd or serious as I choose.
Through this experience, I got the chance to really have a drive-thru view of my life. I’ve come a long way baby!! I don’t say that because I’m someone great. Trust me, I’m not. But I say that because I got to see, on a somewhat larger scale, how far God has brought me. I can see how my obedience and brokeness have brought wisdom and maturity. I’ve got a LOOONNGGG way to go, but I know that if I continue to take simply one step of obedience at a time, that God will continue to be faithful to me.
I wonder sometimes if the me I was at 21 would be able to meet and see the me that I am now, what would I think? I would probably think that the now me was crazy telling the younger me about all the life changes that would happen in the next 10 years. I would probably think that the now me was crazy for being on a path that could lead to pastoring a church. If the now me asked the 21-year-old me “So am I crazy?” the 21-year-old me would probably answer – in a snarky way – yes.
But I don’t always think that’s a bad thing. Yes, from a worldview, a non-Christian looking in, my life and the path I’m on does probably look a little crazy. Christians are supposed to seem different. Shoot, with Jesus there were only three options about the claims He was making about Himself – He was either a liar, crazy or truthful. I can see how crazy was an option. I does look crazy to have a snowy Sunday morning when you could totally sleep in and have a late breakfast but instead get up, get dressed “up” and go to a building to hang out with a bunch of people you may or may not like just to sing songs, talk to, and learn about a “being” that you can’t even see. It does seem a bit crazy to dedicate yourself to being a servant to others. It does seem crazy that I would actually, voluntarily give up my money so that people I don’t even know can go to a country on the other side of the world, and sing songs and tell stories to children that I will never even meet. It does seem crazy that I am content to plant seeds that I may never see grow.
So yeah, maybe I am just a little bit crazy. I hope you are too.